


Aftershocks

by Copper_Viper



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 20:12:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11260122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Copper_Viper/pseuds/Copper_Viper
Summary: If you want to talk / yell / whatever with me about this I can be found on tumblr at Dr-Evn-Hnsn.





	Aftershocks

            Two days before going back to college for her sophomore year Alana’s phone began buzzing. Barrages of calls were interrupted by text message alerts.

 Things like this did not happen to Alana; she had acquaintances, not friends, and acquaintances did not send enough texts and calls in the span of a minute to make her actually stop packing and look at her phone.

            Five calls from Zoe, three from Jared, and an innumerable amount of texts from them both.

            Alana nearly dropped her phone in confusion. Was it some sort of joke? But it couldn’t have been; Zoe had been holding a grudge against Alana since she had shared Connor’s suicide note (for which she couldn’t really be mad at Zoe for, that had been a jerk move), and as far as she could tell, Zoe and Jared had not spoken much to each other over the past year. So coordination between them for whatever prank this could be wouldn’t be that likely.

            She unlocked her phone, only catching a glimpse of the last text Jared had sent – _Don’t watch the news_ – before she heard one of her parents crying down the hall.

            Her heart skipped a beat, wondering if her parents’ crying was in any way related to the message Jared had sent. Even though she didn’t know anything about the context of Jared’s rather odd message, but that’s what her mind just had to jump to.

 _But’s that not at all likely; correlation does not mean causation_.

            Once in the living room, she was greeted by her mother, who pulled her into a very close hug.

            It didn’t block her view from the TV. Nor had her mother muted it. Or turned it off.

            Anything would have been better than what she saw flashing across the screen, only to be echoed hollowly by an uncaring newscaster.

            _“Evan Hansen, beloved co-founder and co-president of The Connor Project has been reported dead as of 9:30 pm.”_

            If the world could stop, or at the very least slow down, it would have at that moment.

            Everything slowed or sped up; at that point she wasn’t fully sure what was happening. Her heart, breathing, and vision were out of sorts and she didn’t like it.

            _Is it a panic attack or anxiety attack I can’t remember but no it’s a panic attack but that’s not important and Evan’s dead oh God Evan’s dead Evan’s dead Evan’s-_

            She felt a hand on her shoulder. And blinked. Looked at who the hand belonged to. Her mom. Lifting her hand off only after Alana looked at her and nodded; their thing for dealing with panic attacks.

            Alana rarely got them, but when they happened her parents had to develop a way to deal with them. The nodding was the first part. Alana was not one to be touched. She was the opposite of Evan with dealing with panic attacks. He needed touch. She didn’t.

            _He’s dead._

            She could feel her anxiety rising.

            _Please God not again._

            Her mother turned off the TV while Alana collected herself, under the watchful eye of her mom.

            “I’m okay.”

            Her mom pursed her lips. “Alana, honey, we really need to talk about this…”  
            She let herself get angry. “I said I’m okay. It was a stupid thing to panic over. We all deal with loss in our own way. I… I’ll be back.”

            She brushed past her mother, knowing full well her mom and mother would be discussing her odd behavior soon, needlessly asking if she would want to see someone about this.

            _I’m done with therapists and psychiatrists I can work just fine without them this was just a minor okayotsominorhitchbutreally._

She hated when that happened, when her thoughts went from slow and rational to fast and uncontrollable. Alana liked rational. It felt good to her. It’s what drove her, kept her going. It helped her along all those years, rationalizing everything.

            Her grandmother’s death had been somewhat hard, but she could rationalize it. Connor’s death was easy. Evan’s death was not easy.

            He was getting better, and Alana knew it.

            But apparently so was Connor, according to the emails he had sent Evan, and Connor had killed himself in the end so what if that’s what happened with Evan?

            _What if he actually wasn’t and he was preparing for this all along and I just never saw it and I actually knew him unlike Connor-_

Her phone buzzing pulled her back in. ZOE MURPHY CALLING read the screen.

            She hesitated on answering.

            At the 25 second mark she did.

            “Look Alana I’m not gonna lie I’m still pissed at you for putting out the note last year but we really need to talk. Jared’s already here; can you pick us up?”

            _But don’t you have a car?_

            She agreed to pick them.

            Probably shouldn’t have been driving.

            But she did.

 

* * *

 

 

            Zoe told her to go to the orchard.

            The ride was silent, not even Jared could come up with any jokes to lighten the situation.

            The ride also offered plenty of time to think. To go over things. To figure out where she had gone wrong in noticing something wrong with Evan.

            He seemed fine during their correspondence while she was away for college and he was still in town, working and attending community college.

            He seemed fine when Alana came back for the summer, even helping more than usual with The Connor Project. Even if he did seem unusually stressed when anything relating directly to Connor had been brought up.

            He even helped make a few videos, the last of which had been-

            “His last video was his suicide note.” It came out as a sob, heavy with realization. That video had been about reaching out for help, or for checking in on people who weren’t doing the best.

            Zoe shifted in the passenger seat, quite possibly uncomfortable but when Alana stole a glance it was like she knew something? That the video wasn’t his note

            Jared made some noise in agreement.

            No one made further comment.

            The remaining drive to the orchard was uneventful.

            Alana pulled in, stopped the car in front of the padlocked gates.     

            Zoe brought out a key.

            “Y’know, this was the last place I spoke to him. A few weeks ago, actually.”

            Alana looked over to her. “You mean you hadn’t been talking with him about Connor Project things with you? He told me you had been, given that you wouldn’t talk to me but that was completely understandable because I fucked up-“

            Zoe held up a hand. “Stop talking. For once. And listen. Evan was a perpetual liar. You haven’t figured that out yet?”

            “What? But. No. How?”

            She could see Zoe roll her eyes in the dim light cast by Jared’s phone.

            “Apparently you have a lot of catching up to do. I’ve already filled Jared in, so let’s walk.”

            She and Jared followed Zoe to the back of the orchard, to where the pond was with the nice benches people could sit around.

            “This is the spot where we last talked, you know. We hadn’t spoken the entire previous year.”

            Alana had gathered that much.

            Zoe sat down, and Jared did the same. Not wanting to be left out, Alana followed suit.

            “He lied. About everything. Connor’s suicide note? That was his _therapy_ assignment. And it’s a really great opportunity to tell you this, but because you leaked that, do you know the lengths my family has had to go to? My dad lost his job. WE all had to change our names, and you know what my legal name is now? Olivia. But Evan, oh Evan. Poor, sweet, precious Evan.

            “Those emails? Those hundreds of emails you also put up on the website? Also fake. Everything Evan did was fake and a lie and I’m sad he’s dead sure but the things he did…” Zoe trailed off, her gaze eventually drifting towards Jared.

            _I helped to spread a lie. I helped to create a lie. What have I done I can’t come back from this nonononono-_

            “Kleinman. You look… Oddly guilty. Why.”

            That wasn’t a question. That was a statement, spat from Zoe at her current disgust in most things.

            “Evan. I told him to just agree with what your parents said. And he let that get out of hand. And once it got out of hand-“ he stopped, realizing the corner he had backed himself into.

            “I helped him write the emails and I could have told everyone at one point but I didn’t and I’m so sorry Zoe I had no idea what this did to you-“

            Alana wasn’t sure she had ever seen someone’ attention be as thoroughly occupied as Zoe’s currently was. Her entire focus was trained on Jared, who sank further and further into himself, looking smaller than he already was.

            Zoe’s eyes narrowed, her face contorting into the visage only the truly pissed could pull off.

            “You. Did. What.”

            Jared whimpered.

            Zoe got up.

            Walked over to him like she was about to deck him.

            Stopped walking halfway there.

            “You know what I’m done. Fuck everything. Fuck you, Jared, asshole. And you know what, fuck you too Alana for not stopping and thinking about anything before rushing headfirst into things. I’m done with you all, and guess what? I don’t care if I never see either of you again, I am officially _done_ with all of this bullshit.”

            She stalked off, various profanities streaming from her mouth, kicking the occasional apple tree sapling in anger.

            One minute stretched into five stretched into ten. Neither of them spoke, neither of them moved.

            Alana’s phone buzzed; she looked at it quickly enough to see it was her mom. She didn’t answer.

            She got up, looked at Jared.

            “You going to walk home from here, or do you want a ride?”

            He accepted the ride.

            The ride was silent. Heavy. _Stifling_.

            She pulled up next to his driveway.

            “Why’d you do it? Help Evan create the emails?”

            He couldn’t answer. Got out of the car without saying a word.

            She watched him walk up, noticed how he started shaking.

            She drove off.

            Pulled into her driveway.

            And sat there, just thinking.

            Not everything could be rationalized. Her own behavior, which she had tried to rationalize for months couldn’t be. Jared’s couldn’t be. Jared and Zoe, both holding on to lies. Neither of them telling Alana for a year.

            She had let that lie grow for a year.

            Spread for a year.

            Got a $50,000 dollar orchard built from that lie.

            And had helped many people in the community with that lie, but did the good outweigh the bad in this case? What even was good or bad any more?

            Alana didn’t know.

            She got out of her car.

            Went to her room.

            And lay awake in her bed for hours, until the sun streamed through the shades.

            Only then did she allow herself to fall asleep.

            If she would be having any more nightmares, she wanted to wake up to light.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to talk / yell / whatever with me about this I can be found on tumblr at Dr-Evn-Hnsn.


End file.
